13. What do I hope to achieve in life.
I have so many things I want to achieve in life. My 2 biggest goals are to become a RN and to have a baby. I'm working on getting back into school and start my prereqs in the fall. It's going to be tough going back to school after so long but I know I can do it. Being a nurse is something I've wanted since I was 16 but never made it a priority, stupid. I want to work with babies in the nursery or in a cancer center somewhere. I really just want to help people.
Now to have a baby. I so desperately want this. Our life together is wonderful and if it's just the 2 of us for eternity then I will be one very blessed girl. But I just feel like something is missing. I really want to see Josh as a father because I know he will be an awesome dad. I want to give him a little boy to play baseball and basketball with and I want to give him a little girl so she can wrap him around her little finger. I want to watch my son play baseball and basketball and whatever else it is he wants to do. And I want to watch my little girl dance and whatever else she wants to do. I've always loved babies and couldn't wait to get married and have my own little babies when I was younger. I always just thought it would be so easy, it seemed to be for everyone else. Josh and I decided to start trying in June 5, 2004. Josh remembers the day so well because it was the day Ronald Reagan died. I thought we would be pregnant in 6 months tops. When that didn't happen we went to a doctor here in Logan to try to figure it out. I did not like the doctor but there seemed to be nothing wrong with us, we just needed to keep trying. Well here we are almost 7 years later and nothing but 2 heart-wrenching miscarriages. There seems to be a problem with my FSH levels so I need to get back into our new doctor to see for sure what's going on and how we can fix it. It's going to be expensive and that's one of the reasons I drag my feet on getting back in to see him. When he tells us how much it's going to cost and knowing we can't afford that right now, it's going to be a bad day full of tears and it will seem that much more unachievable. I need to just bite the bullet and get in though.
I want to buy a house after we're done with school and are ready. I have dreams about it. I want a fenced yard for the dogs and kids to run and play. I want pictures of our kids on every wall. I want family dinners at the kitchen table in the winter and out on the patio in the summer. I want our perfect, little dream house.