Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Journal Entry

All I want is to have a baby, that's it.  I'm not greedy, I'll just take one.  I don't care if it's a boy or girl.  All I want is a positive pregnancy test, to celebrate that moment with my husband.  All I want is to hear the first heart beat and marvel at what we've made together.  I want to spend the next 9 months of our life pondering about what a little miracle we would be bringing into this world and wonder who they would grow up to be.  I want to shop for our baby's clothes, crib, nursery colors and to stress about the cost of diapers.  I want the cankles, the back ache, the vomitting, the "I feel like an elephant" feeling, the uncomfortableness, the "stop kicking me in the ribs" feeling.  I want to be panicked that we don't have a birth plan and we don't have "the bag" packed yet.  I want the rush of fear and excitement when my water breaks.  I want the hours of birthing, no matter how long that takes.  I want to pull my baby from me and cry with Josh when we finally get to look into our baby's beautiful eyes.  I want to feel their skin on mine.  I want to smell my baby.  I want the ache in my arms to hold MY baby to go away and to replace that ache with MY baby.  I want to get lost starring at him or her for hours with Josh on the couch.  I want to be up all night rocking my baby when they won't sleep.  I want to smell like throw up and not shower for days cause I'm so tired.  I want to be a mother.
I want an answer for 6 1/2 years of infertility.  I want to know why my body has failed us.  The Dr's can't give me one.  They say it's unexplained infertility.  To me, that's worse than explained infertility.  I mean I'm grateful nothing is wrong with either one of us but at least then I could come to terms with the fact that we would not be able to get pregnant.  There would be a reason for it, or there would be something we could do to maybe fix the problem.  But instead we get to get our hopes up every month again and again hoping for that stupid pink line.  We've been down this road before and it was Hell.
I'll never forget the day I did get my positive pregnancy test.  I had taken Clomid for 3 months and I told Shannon I was 5 days late.  She told me to go get a test but I was terrified it would be negative, it wasn't.  Josh and I cried, we were so excited.  We were going to have a Winter baby, Feb 7, 2006 was the estimated due date, right in between our birthdays.  I caught myself holding my belly, even though I didn't have one but Josh said I did, he thinks we were having twins.  He'd ask me why I was holding it, and I'd tell him "cause our baby is in there" and then I would rub it.  Stupid.  I went shopping with Shannon a few weeks later and we bought little things you don't think of at first like a bottle scrubber and a drying rack, nipple cream, a Boppy with a boy and a girl cover and some other little things.  The next day I miscarried, like a cruel joke.  I was 7 weeks along and we never got to hear the first heart beat.  I felt like I had failed Josh and I still do.  I failed him and our unborn baby.  I stayed in bed for a week grieving the loss of our baby.  I still have a hard day on the due date, it's like a day of mourning for me.
We started Clomid again a little over a month after that and tried it for another 6 months and did 2 IUIs.  No luck.  Then we took a break.  I was a wreck, couldn't handle anymore disappointment.  The depression of it was just too much for me and I hated it.
Those things we bought have been packed away in a tote in our basement along with a lot of baby clothes and bottles that Shannon gave to us waiting for a baby to fill them.
All I want is to be a mother and to make Josh a father.  Because I know we would rock at it.

9 comments:

Marvett Smith said...

Oh Kandice. I want you to be a mother too. I'm definitely sure you would rock at it. Hang in there. You are in my prayers! :)

Bowler Family said...

YOU and JOSH will both ROCK at it!! So sorry it is taking so long! You guys will be in my prayers too! BIG Hugs to you!!

Treesa Porter said...

Oh honey, I am bawling my eyes out. I want nothing more in the world than for you to be a mother and Josh a father ... it's been MY dream since the day YOU were born. You will do it, you just need some help from the right doc and prayer and faith. I'll help all I can (well, financially anyway bc I really can't be there coaching you and Josh lol). Get the ball rolling with your new doc and you pray, I'll pray, we'll even get Angie to pray since her prayers seem to get answered fast. I love you more than words can say (you know that) and I don't want you to have any pain. All this mother wants is for her kids to be happy - I'd go to the moon & back to get you a baby if I could. Wish I could have talked to you on the phone tonight ... I'll talk to you tomorrow. LU

Vicki said...

Kandice, words just can't express how I feel. The tears are just rollin unstopable. I can't say I know how you feel but I can tell you there is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my kids and ask why? Why? is it that people like you and Camille (Porter)that would be absolutely perfect parents have difficulty haveing babies? I don't know? But I do know you will be a rockin mommie, and I have and will continue to pray for you to have these blessings in you and Josh's life. Love you, and hang in there

ERIN said...

:( Your post made me cry. I know that there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I swear- when you guys have your baby (and you will) He or She is going to be the luckiest little person in the world to have you guys as parents. Infetility makes us stronger and makes us appreciate our children so much more when they do come! All this pain and suffering will be worth it when you hold your baby for the first time, and you would go through it all over again to have another. ((HUGS))

Kenna said...

i wish i knew what to say.

you always have such perfect words for my posts...

i love you. i cry with you. i'm here for you.

it blows. it rips you up.

but you are still breathing.

Jessie said...

Kandice hunny...I too am just bawling thinking of you and your cute face! You are the main person I think of everytime I talk about people that deserve to be a parent...and I truly believe that one day you will have that beautiful baby that will be so lucky to have you and Josh as parents! You are an amazing person, and I'll never forget how much you've helped me in my life. God definately works in mysterious ways...(some people having babies that really shouldn't) Thank you for making me realize again what a gift it is to be a parent, and I know you two will get your turn too...hopefully SOON! LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! Keep your head up! muah!

Rick and Angelia said...

Awe Kandice, you made me bawl. Don't loose hope. You guys will be great parents!

Missy Ann said...

I am so very sorry Kandice, you are correct...Both you and Josh would rock at being parents. I am sorry you are going through this and I wish I could say something, but I can't. (Without sounding like a total idiot.)

I will just pray... Something will work out, I just wish it were now!