Happy Halloween

So since Halloween fell on Saturday this year, we dressed up at work on Friday.

Then for Halloween night we went over to Cody and Tara's for a little party.  I went as a zombie girl and Josh was a woman.  I had  so much fun trying to curl his hair and putting make-up on him.

Number 1 Turns 2 & Number 2 Turns 1

Since Branson and Gavin's birthday's are 3 days apart Jade & Brittiney had a big birthday party for both of them.  Branson turned 2 and Gavin turned 1.  Gavin loved the big  balloons and loved running around with them.  Branson loved playing basketball with Josh, Chelsie and Brian.

We had ate lunch and then sang "Happy Birthday" to the boys and had cake and ice cream.  Gavin didn't really know  what to do with the cake at first but then loved getting messy.

Branson wasn't so much into making a mess.  He has never liked having his fingers sticky and the kid doesn't eat very well.  He thought it was more fun to wipe it in his hair.

After cake it was time for  presents!!  They got so many fun toys, books and movies!

I  love my little nephews and can't believe they are 1 and 2 already!  Time flies by way too fast!

Journal Entry

All I want is to have a baby, that's it.  I'm not greedy, I'll just take one.  I don't care if it's a boy or girl.  All I want is a positive pregnancy test, to celebrate that moment with my husband.  All I want is to hear the first heart beat and marvel at what we've made together.  I want to spend the next 9 months of our life pondering about what a little miracle we would be bringing into this world and wonder who they would grow up to be.  I want to shop for our baby's clothes, crib, nursery colors and to stress about the cost of diapers.  I want the cankles, the back ache, the vomitting, the "I feel like an elephant" feeling, the uncomfortableness, the "stop kicking me in the ribs" feeling.  I want to be panicked that we don't have a birth plan and we don't have "the bag" packed yet.  I want the rush of fear and excitement when my water breaks.  I want the hours of birthing, no matter how long that takes.  I want to pull my baby from me and cry with Josh when we finally get to look into our baby's beautiful eyes.  I want to feel their skin on mine.  I want to smell my baby.  I want the ache in my arms to hold MY baby to go away and to replace that ache with MY baby.  I want to get lost starring at him or her for hours with Josh on the couch.  I want to be up all night rocking my baby when they won't sleep.  I want to smell like throw up and not shower for days cause I'm so tired.  I want to be a mother.
I want an answer for 6 1/2 years of infertility.  I want to know why my body has failed us.  The Dr's can't give me one.  They say it's unexplained infertility.  To me, that's worse than explained infertility.  I mean I'm grateful nothing is wrong with either one of us but at least then I could come to terms with the fact that we would not be able to get pregnant.  There would be a reason for it, or there would be something we could do to maybe fix the problem.  But instead we get to get our hopes up every month again and again hoping for that stupid pink line.  We've been down this road before and it was Hell.
I'll never forget the day I did get my positive pregnancy test.  I had taken Clomid for 3 months and I told Shannon I was 5 days late.  She told me to go get a test but I was terrified it would be negative, it wasn't.  Josh and I cried, we were so excited.  We were going to have a Winter baby, Feb 7, 2006 was the estimated due date, right in between our birthdays.  I caught myself holding my belly, even though I didn't have one but Josh said I did, he thinks we were having twins.  He'd ask me why I was holding it, and I'd tell him "cause our baby is in there" and then I would rub it.  Stupid.  I went shopping with Shannon a few weeks later and we bought little things you don't think of at first like a bottle scrubber and a drying rack, nipple cream, a Boppy with a boy and a girl cover and some other little things.  The next day I miscarried, like a cruel joke.  I was 7 weeks along and we never got to hear the first heart beat.  I felt like I had failed Josh and I still do.  I failed him and our unborn baby.  I stayed in bed for a week grieving the loss of our baby.  I still have a hard day on the due date, it's like a day of mourning for me.
We started Clomid again a little over a month after that and tried it for another 6 months and did 2 IUIs.  No luck.  Then we took a break.  I was a wreck, couldn't handle anymore disappointment.  The depression of it was just too much for me and I hated it.
Those things we bought have been packed away in a tote in our basement along with a lot of baby clothes and bottles that Shannon gave to us waiting for a baby to fill them.
All I want is to be a mother and to make Josh a father.  Because I know we would rock at it.

Corn Maze

We went to the Green Canyon corn maze Saturday night with Cody, Tara and Atty.  I thought it might be haunted and I'm not into being scared.  When ever we go into to a haunted house or something like that, I grab onto the back of Josh's jacket and bury my face in his back.  I do NOT like being scared.  I think it's from going to too many haunted houses with all my friends when we were in high school.  The one that was in the old Ogden mall was the scariest!  I remember being in the last room before the exit once and the guy had a chain saw.  Everyone else got out but I was stuck cowering on the floor while he held the chain saw above my head, I was so scared!  I know the chain wasn't actually on the chain saw and that they aren't supposed to touch you but it still scared me!  We did that to ourselves over and over for years!
Anyway, we get to the corn maze and Tara, being prepared, got some glow sticks out of her trunk.  We each got two.  We waited in line, hearing the screams coming from inside.  Yep, it was haunted!  It wasn't very cold, luckily.  We got inside and had lots of fun.  It wasn't too scary and we made it out in about and hour and a half.  There was a creepy couple who would just stand in one spot in the maze, they freaked me out.  The boys thought they were a couple in the maze, but Tara and I still think they were part of the maze scaring people.  Then we came out of one of the tunnels they have you walk through and there was a guy in a Scream mask in my peripheral vision, I turned my head the other way and kept walking.  Then Josh says "hey Kandice, there's a guy here who needs directions".  Nope, not gonna look at him, so he starts bumping up against me as I keep walking.  He finally left me alone, not funny.  I know, I'm a baby!
When we got out, we started playing with the glow sticks and I got some photos.

Then we got a picture in the Tarzan and Jane painting.

It was lots of fun and lots of laughs!

The Hansen's

Before my mom and I headed home from Spanish Fork, my aunt Amanda texted me to see if I would be willing to take her family pictures.  Of course!  So we all met back up at the amphitheater for more!

It was lots of fun with these guys.  I seriously have the best family!  

It was such a fun weekend with my mom and our family.

Shaw Family

So my mom and I got down to Pleasant Grove to meet at my aunt Aspen's house.  She was just finishing getting her 2 boys ready for their pictures.  So we chatted there for a while and then headed to the amphitheater for pictures.  The sky was perfect, overcast, but great light.

Draven was such a good little poser for me.  He's definitely used to being in front of the camera.  He just kept smiling and looking straight at me.  I loved it.

River just wanted his blankie so I wanted to get some cute pictures of him on his blankie.  He wasn't looking at me so Draven got down on the ground with him to help me out.  I love this picture.

Avery and Hallie came along with us and wanted me to get some pictures of them.  I love these girls.

My little cousins are so dang cute!  They're all best friends, too.  It's the cutest thing.

Next up the Hansen family!

Gardner Village With My Mom

My mom went I went down to Spanish Fork for the weekend for me to take pictures of my Aunts and their families.  We stopped at Gardner Village on the way down.  We love to go there during Halloween, their witches and decorations are so dang cute, I love that place.
We went in a fairy store and saw some cute things, there was a sign that said "Don't Piss Off The Fairies", so funny!  Then the crazy lady running the store came walking toward my mom and I and asked us if we wanted a glitter star on our face.  We both said no but she told us it would guarantee a great day, so we agreed just to get out of the store...funny memories huh mom!  They were cute though.
The quilt store is always my favorite.  I found the bed I want in there and I love love love the quilts!

It was so much fun being there with my mom.  We had a blast!