Monday, November 22, 2010

Coming Around

I'm going to try to put more of my feelings and struggles with infertility on here.  So I'm sorry to all of my readers (I think there might be 2) for taking you along on this miserable journey with me.  I felt a lot better after I posted this, although I cried.  A lot.  And all of your sweet comments were very much appreciated and they touched me so thank you for that.  So I thought since this is my blog, I'm going to start writing more of what I'm feeling on here.  That's not easy for me to do, I internalize things, but I'm gonna try because it made me feel better to get it out than to keep it in.  
Josh and I went to see my OB-GYN earlier this  year and he wanted us to go see a reproductive endocrinologist to further help us in our baby making.  So we  went in September.  He was really encouraging but couldn't figure out why we haven't gotten pregnant again.  We talked for a while about all the different treatment options we could do from trying Clomid again, IUIs, FSH injections and then into IVF.  It happened to be Day 4 of my cycle when we were there and when the doctor found out he wanted to do an ultrasound to check the follicles on my ovaries.  So there we were again, in the same room I had an IUI a few years before.  I felt like I was regressing.  I had been here before and it didn't work.  So my ultrasound looked good, I have 11 follicles on both ovaries which the doctor said that was a good number.  So I got dressed and had some blood drawn.  The doctor wanted me to start with FSH injections every month.  While we were on our way home, their office called and said based on my lab results the doctor changed his mind and wanted us to do an increased dose of Clomid for a few months and check my day 10 FSH level.  So we started in October.  Took Clomid 100 mg days 5-9.  I had my FSH drawn and the nurse called me a couple of days later telling me it was high but she needed my day 3 to get a baseline.  They didn't tell me to get a day 3 done.  So she sent me new lab orders and made sure I  had a refill on my Clomid.  I really hoped I wouldn't have to use it.  Then I started my cycle again.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop crying the night it started.  I  felt defeated.  I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that I now am turning it over to Him.  I went to work the next day with my puffy eyes trying to hold it together through out the day.  Then one of the ladies I work with came in and said her daughter is pregnant.  Dagger.  I  had to  get up and walk away so everyone didn't see me tear up.  I'm happy for her and her daughter, really I am.  It was just a bad day.  Then when I saw Josh when I got home, I just started crying again.  He felt so bad and was worried about me.  He had to go to school but then stayed home from work to be with me.  Then I felt bad he felt he had to do that.  I think he wanted to hide the knives, I told him he has nothing to worry about there.  I'm terrified of dying and am too big of a coward and not selfish enough to do anything like that.  I was in that awful, lonely funk for about a week.  Nothing anyone did made any of it better.  All of the advice was the same stuff I've heard for the past 6 years and frankly, it was getting on my nerves.  Nobody understands what that feels like.  They all say they do but they don't.  Unless you  have ached for a baby of your own and wanted nothing more than that for so long,  you have no idea of the pain.  I know that sounds terrible but it's how I feel.  All of my conversations were forced, I just wanted to curl up on my couch, in my jammies, under a blanket and watch movies that made me cry.
All that surrounded me was babies and dreams of having babies and my lack of having babies. I have these vivid fantasies of having our children snuggled up with us in bed on a Saturday morning just loving being together and holding onto the miracles that we've created and creating memories that will be so sweet and will be cherished for all Eternity.
I'm doing better emotionally now.  I have joined the land of the living again.  Until my next cycle starts, then it starts all over again.  Hopefully that won't be for a long while.  I haven't picked up my camera since Halloween.  No desire to.  I love it but just couldn't find the reason for it.  I'm going to try to change my attitude on that.  Even if all I take pictures of is the snow that just keeps falling at my house, that's what it will be.
Josh found these quotes for me when I couldn't stop crying.  They made me cry more but made me feel a little bit better because I wasn't going crazy.  Made me feel validated.  Other people feel the same way I do.  It's okay for me to have my negative feelings.  So here's a few of my favorites.
“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

“Don’t cry over spilt milk (unless you’re crying because you don’t have breast milk, then it’s okay to cry).”

“Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the hell is everyone pregnant but me?”

Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry
Thanks to this site.
So here we go to more personal feelings on here.


Kenna said...

this is so strong of you.

i know that for me writing is cathartic, and i have received amazing support from it.

i think you will too.

also, i haven't picked up my camera lately either. let's both try, hm?

the larsons said...

:( This makes me so sad. You and Josh are definitely strong people! I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Love you!

Michelle said...

(((BIG HUGS)))

Treesa Porter said...

I love you - that's all I can say. I'm prolly the one getting on your nerves with repeating myself so I'll stop doing that. All I can do is hug you and pray every night for you ... I've been worried about you like crazy too, but don't dare tell you that. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your face. Again, all I can say is I love you and wish there were more I could do... hugs and kisses sweetheart.

Vicki said...

I love you girl, I am a faithful reader and love it!

Marvett Smith said...

Hang in there Kandice. You are in my prayers always. You have more than 2 readers, and all of us want you to be happy. You deserve that!

Rick and Angelia said...

Sorry Kandice. Thanks for sharing your story. I think to many people go through infertility alone with no one to talk to or to ask hey how did you handle this and what did your Dr do next..ya know? It is very strong of you. Hugs!

Callaways said...

Well, I'm always here to talk to or to just look at dumb crap on you tube... and don't forget... most of my dreams come true, like my literal subconscious dreams... really.. that's why cody's worried about twins!!! :) It's all gonna work out... I know it! and it will be all the more sweet!!!! love ya