Shannon and Arnold had planned a trip to Vegas for Labor Day weekend to celebrate Shannon's birthday in August and for their anniversary in September and asked if I would come down and stay with their kids while they were gone. Uh, Yes!! I love these kids more than words can say and any time I get to hang out with them, I'm there. I miss them so much. That's been the biggest drawback of being back up in Logan, not seeing those kids everyday, going to dance practice with Lu, going to baseball games with Noah and missing DJ's first year playing baseball (since they have games on weekdays...stupid!). Those kids are "my kids" and I hate missing moments in their lives. Noah was at a baseball tournament in Spanish Fork all weekend so I never got to see him, sad. He's so dang good at baseball, I love watching him play.
Shan and Arnold were leaving Friday early afternoon and I would need to be down there to pick the kids up from school (something else that I miss everyday) so I took Friday off work.
DJ had a really bad asthma attack on Thursday ending up in the ER. The doctor advised them not to leave for the weekend...bummer. But I still went down and stayed with them and they could still have some time to go to dinner.
When I got there Friday afternoon, me, DJ and Lu played Sorry Sliders. It was so fun! These kids crack me up!
We made our plans for what we were going to do for the next couple of days. The Smurfs movie was definitely in, Shannon told me she saved that movie for me!:) We had decided to have a family BBQ for Labor Day on Sunday since Shannon and Arnold would be here. The rest was just up in the air, whatever comes up.
Saturday morning we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast. I had the Cinna-Stack french toast with turkey bacon, I had no idea anyone served turkey bacon!! It was so busy in there and a girl was walking around making balloon animals for all the kids. DJ got a sword and Elizabeth got a monkey in a tree. DJ tore his apart in the first few minutes after we left and had more fun playing with what he was creating...and by sticking it up my nose!
Then we went to Smurfs!! We loaded up on popcorn, soda and cotton candy. The movie was actually really cute. I love NPH and Hank Azaria. The kids loved it.
Shannon and Arnold went out to dinner that night and the kids and I stayed in and watched Soul Surfer. That is such a good movie and made me cry! Then DJ wanted to watch some monster truck video and fell asleep on my lap in the rocking chair. I savor those moments so much. Sometimes I feel like these kids are the only thing close enough to having my own children that I'm ever going to have and want to soak them all in. I know one day soon, DJ is not going to want me to sleep in his bed with him when we have sleep-overs and isn't going to let me hold him and baby him the way that I do. I so don't want that day to come.
I slept with him in his little twin bed again that night. When he got up, he saw his new comforter for the first time and was so happy to see the (stupid)Yankee's on it. His father did grow up in New York and is a legitimate Yankee fan so I'll allow it.:)
We got the house all picked up and clean for the BBQ. Elizabeth and DJ and I made cupcakes for dessert.
We headed home and had such an emotional, devastating conversation. Just like all the other ones we have just like it.
We want a child so badly. Josh just wants to be a father. And I know he would be so good at it. He didn't have his biological father in his life except for when he was really little and then he was non-existant up until we got married. Rosie called and invited him and said we would be so glad if he came, I had never met him. He didn't show up. Then four years later, Shannon sees his obituary in the paper, he passed away from pancreatic cancer. We had no idea. Since Josh was a little boy he hadn't seen his father until his funeral. He wants so badly to be a better father than his father was to him. And I'm not saying his father wasn't a good father to the 4 children he had after Josh, that we didn't know existed until the funeral. He was a constant in their lives and was a good father to them. Josh just wants the chance. He sees his brothers with their children and so badly wishes and prays that he will get the chance one day. The same with me. I have such an unbreakable bond to Shannon and Arnold's kids that I feel like they are mine, too. I want to have the same feeling with my own children, ones that live with us. Ones that I get to read bedtime stories to at night, ones that I get to make breakfast for in the morning. Ones that we get to pack in the car and go on adventures with. Ones that we get to make memories with as their mom and dad.
I just cried all the way home. I know this is my test, but for the life of me I can't figure out why I would have chosen this in the pre-existence. Of course there are worse, much worse things to go through. But when it's all you want, all you think about. Why? Why would I want this heartache? Why would I want this feeling of not feeling whole all the time, that something is missing from our family? Why would I want this feeling of jealousy and bitterness toward everyone who has children or is pregnant? Why would I want to put my husband through this? I don't know. But I do know there is a reason. I just don't know what it is yet. And if it doesn't happen in this life, I have faith it will in eternity. Even though this life will be somewhat heart-wrenching to get through, it will be better in the next; or at least I will understand it.
Ok, that's another post for another time.
It was such a great weekend to be with "my kids". And to spend time together as a family. I'm so blessed to have my great family, and even more to have Josh's.