Saturday, February 26, 2011

Hope Smashed...Again.

So I guess I was pregnant but lost it last Saturday.  I had my suspicions for about a month but didn't want to test until the beginning of March when my period should have started again.  Sorry, I'm going to get kind of graphic...My period this month was really weird, it was early and brown but I didn't think anything about it.  My boobs were really sore and heavy for the whole month which they are usually only sore for the week before my period.  Again, I didn't want to test until the beginning of March so I didn't get my hopes up.  I woke up Saturday morning and just felt really weird.  I didn't feel good and was really crampy.  I went shopping with my mom and continued to feel crampy.  I didn't know if it was my ovulation or what so I just ignored it.  I felt something warm and just thought it was discharge from ovulating.  When we got home from dinner with my mom I went into the bathroom and saw the blood.  I was confused and did the math over and over in my head of what day I was on.  It was day 18 and I knew immediately what it was.  I called Josh into the bathroom and told him what was going on.  I hadn't told him I thought I could be pregnant because I didn't want to get him excited if I really wasn't.  The blood was bright red, clumpy and there was A LOT of it.  The cramps started getting worse and I was in shock.
I was glad to know I at least got pregnant again, but I was upset because my body had failed me again.  Why?  Why didn't it take again?  Why can't my body do something that seems like every other woman's body can do so easily?  I don't understand.  I know one day I will.  And if we ever do get to be parents it will be so much more special and we can tell our child how much we love them and how much we wanted them.
We are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist down in Salt Lake and go see him next month.  During November and December, I was taking Clomid and having my FSH level tested on day 3 and 10.  When my doctor got the results back they aren't what he wanted but I'm not sure what they mean.  He wrote in his message to me that we need to consider aggressive treatment.  Which that means that he wants me to take 3 FSH injections a month and do IUIs.  First, the injections are $300 a month and the IUIs are $300-400 each try.  That's $700 a month that we just don't have right now.  I've done 2 IUIs and they didn't work.  I asked my doctor if I could take Clomid for one more month and then we would come see him after the holidays.  I took it in January and that's when we conceived again.  So now we are going to see him next month to discuss other options.
Just trying to keep the hope alive...

6 comments:

Michelle said...

I am sorry! If you need anything, please let me know.

Vicki said...

Kandice I am so Sorry :( It does get my hopes up in a way though if you know what i mean. that doesn't mean that going through that again was easy you are one tough lady with a big heart. Love you and hang in there.

Rick and Angelia said...

Sorry! The only good thing is that the odds of conceiving and keeping the baby are very high in the months after a miscarriage. Good luck with the Dr visits and meds. Maybe you guys will get two for the price of one! You guys will be amazing parents and the day will come!

Kellie said...

I'm so sorry :( I have heard really great things about Clomid, though, so I hope that works for you.

Marvett Smith said...

Oh Kandice. I'm so sorry to hear this news. Don't forget your word for this year. I will not only keep hoping for you, but I will keep praying for you as well. Hang in there.

Treesa Porter said...

You have no idea how sorry I was when you told me - I can't cry anymore so I'm just gonna HOPE! I've already told you how I feel, just know I love you!