Jazz Vs Hornets

We went to the Jazz game Wednesday night with Cody and Tara.  I love going to Jazz games!

  Even better, we got to beat Chris Paul!  Our team is so different this year with a bunch of new players but we are doing really well.

It was such a fun game to be at.  During the 3rd quarter, the  Jazz Bear was going to slide down one of the stairways like he usually does.  But there was an obnoxious Hornets fan standing in the middle of the aisle preventing the Bear from sliding.  He came down and told him to move out of the way and people were pulling him into the seats.  The game started up again so the Bear didn't get to slide down.  The crowd was going wild booing this guy finally security came and escorted the guy out.  It was so loud in there!  They let the guy back in.  A few minutes later the Bear came walking down the aisle with a huge yellow balloon.  He snuck up behind the guy and stole his hat and ran back up the stairs with the guy following him.  The Bear tied his hat to the balloon and when the guy reached out to get it, the Bear let go and his hat went up to the top of the arena!  It was so funny!  Then a few minutes later the Bear came down with a huge cake and again, snuck up behind the guy and smashed it in his face, the crowd went crazy!  Then we had the Little Jazz Bear over by  us a lot of the game spraying silly string on people and he seemed to focus a lot on one guy.  He just kept coming back and spraying this guy.

It was so fun and I'm so glad Cody and Tara invited us!  Thanks guys!

Watching It Snow

There was a lot of coverage of the big now storm that was to hit Cache Valley and the rest of Utah on Tuesday. Schools were sending kids home early and when I got to work, the CEO had told our manager that he wanted all of us out of there by 1:00pm.  So we moved and rescheduled a lot of patients and Tara and I left at about 12:30.  It was so nice to be home nice and early for that storm.  It hit here at about 3:00 and it was a good one.  Josh woke up from working the night before right as it was starting and wanted to go to the store to get some munchies, so we braved the storm.  The wind was blowing so hard and it took us seriously 30 minutes just to get home which is only 8 blocks away. We got home and got snuggled under the blankets on the couch and watched it snow and watched my absolute favorite Christmas movie, Christmas Vacation!  I loved being home, snuggling with Josh and the furbabies and watching it snow.  The cats liked it,  too.

Coming Around

I'm going to try to put more of my feelings and struggles with infertility on here.  So I'm sorry to all of my readers (I think there might be 2) for taking you along on this miserable journey with me.  I felt a lot better after I posted this, although I cried.  A lot.  And all of your sweet comments were very much appreciated and they touched me so thank you for that.  So I thought since this is my blog, I'm going to start writing more of what I'm feeling on here.  That's not easy for me to do, I internalize things, but I'm gonna try because it made me feel better to get it out than to keep it in.  

Josh and I went to see my OB-GYN earlier this  year and he wanted us to go see a reproductive endocrinologist to further help us in our baby making.  So we  went in September.  He was really encouraging but couldn't figure out why we haven't gotten pregnant again.  We talked for a while about all the different treatment options we could do from trying Clomid again, IUIs, FSH injections and then into IVF.  It happened to be Day 4 of my cycle when we were there and when the doctor found out he wanted to do an ultrasound to check the follicles on my ovaries.  So there we were again, in the same room I had an IUI a few years before.  I felt like I was regressing.  I had been here before and it didn't work.  So my ultrasound looked good, I have 11 follicles on both ovaries which the doctor said that was a good number.  So I got dressed and had some blood drawn.  The doctor wanted me to start with FSH injections every month.  While we were on our way home, their office called and said based on my lab results the doctor changed his mind and wanted us to do an increased dose of Clomid for a few months and check my day 10 FSH level.  So we started in October.  Took Clomid 100 mg days 5-9.  I had my FSH drawn and the nurse called me a couple of days later telling me it was high but she needed my day 3 to get a baseline.  They didn't tell me to get a day 3 done.  So she sent me new lab orders and made sure I  had a refill on my Clomid.  I really hoped I wouldn't have to use it.  Then I started my cycle again.  It was awful.  I couldn't stop crying the night it started.  I  felt defeated.  I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that I now am turning it over to Him.  I went to work the next day with my puffy eyes trying to hold it together through out the day.  Then one of the ladies I work with came in and said her daughter is pregnant.  Dagger.  I  had to  get up and walk away so everyone didn't see me tear up.  I'm happy for her and her daughter, really I am.  It was just a bad day.  Then when I saw Josh when I got home, I just started crying again.  He felt so bad and was worried about me.  He had to go to school but then stayed home from work to be with me.  Then I felt bad he felt he had to do that.  I think he wanted to hide the knives, I told him he has nothing to worry about there.  I'm terrified of dying and am too big of a coward and not selfish enough to do anything like that.  I was in that awful, lonely funk for about a week.  Nothing anyone did made any of it better.  All of the advice was the same stuff I've heard for the past 6 years and frankly, it was getting on my nerves.  Nobody understands what that feels like.  They all say they do but they don't.  Unless you  have ached for a baby of your own and wanted nothing more than that for so long,  you have no idea of the pain.  I know that sounds terrible but it's how I feel.  All of my conversations were forced, I just wanted to curl up on my couch, in my jammies, under a blanket and watch movies that made me cry.

All that surrounded me was babies and dreams of having babies and my lack of having babies. I have these vivid fantasies of having our children snuggled up with us in bed on a Saturday morning just loving being together and holding onto the miracles that we've created and creating memories that will be so sweet and will be cherished for all Eternity.

I'm doing better emotionally now.  I have joined the land of the living again.  Until my next cycle starts, then it starts all over again.  Hopefully that won't be for a long while.  I haven't picked up my camera since Halloween.  No desire to.  I love it but just couldn't find the reason for it.  I'm going to try to change my attitude on that.  Even if all I take pictures of is the snow that just keeps falling at my house, that's what it will be.

Josh found these quotes for me when I couldn't stop crying.  They made me cry more but made me feel a little bit better because I wasn't going crazy.  Made me feel validated.  Other people feel the same way I do.  It's okay for me to have my negative feelings.  So here's a few of my favorites.

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

“Don’t cry over spilt milk (unless you’re crying because you don’t have breast milk, then it’s okay to cry).”

“Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the hell is everyone pregnant but me?”

“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry
Thanks to this site.

So here we go to more personal feelings on here.

Happy Halloween

So since Halloween fell on Saturday this year, we dressed up at work on Friday.

Then for Halloween night we went over to Cody and Tara's for a little party.  I went as a zombie girl and Josh was a woman.  I had  so much fun trying to curl his hair and putting make-up on him.

Number 1 Turns 2 & Number 2 Turns 1

Since Branson and Gavin's birthday's are 3 days apart Jade & Brittiney had a big birthday party for both of them.  Branson turned 2 and Gavin turned 1.  Gavin loved the big  balloons and loved running around with them.  Branson loved playing basketball with Josh, Chelsie and Brian.

We had ate lunch and then sang "Happy Birthday" to the boys and had cake and ice cream.  Gavin didn't really know  what to do with the cake at first but then loved getting messy.

Branson wasn't so much into making a mess.  He has never liked having his fingers sticky and the kid doesn't eat very well.  He thought it was more fun to wipe it in his hair.

After cake it was time for  presents!!  They got so many fun toys, books and movies!

I  love my little nephews and can't believe they are 1 and 2 already!  Time flies by way too fast!

Journal Entry

All I want is to have a baby, that's it.  I'm not greedy, I'll just take one.  I don't care if it's a boy or girl.  All I want is a positive pregnancy test, to celebrate that moment with my husband.  All I want is to hear the first heart beat and marvel at what we've made together.  I want to spend the next 9 months of our life pondering about what a little miracle we would be bringing into this world and wonder who they would grow up to be.  I want to shop for our baby's clothes, crib, nursery colors and to stress about the cost of diapers.  I want the cankles, the back ache, the vomitting, the "I feel like an elephant" feeling, the uncomfortableness, the "stop kicking me in the ribs" feeling.  I want to be panicked that we don't have a birth plan and we don't have "the bag" packed yet.  I want the rush of fear and excitement when my water breaks.  I want the hours of birthing, no matter how long that takes.  I want to pull my baby from me and cry with Josh when we finally get to look into our baby's beautiful eyes.  I want to feel their skin on mine.  I want to smell my baby.  I want the ache in my arms to hold MY baby to go away and to replace that ache with MY baby.  I want to get lost starring at him or her for hours with Josh on the couch.  I want to be up all night rocking my baby when they won't sleep.  I want to smell like throw up and not shower for days cause I'm so tired.  I want to be a mother.
I want an answer for 6 1/2 years of infertility.  I want to know why my body has failed us.  The Dr's can't give me one.  They say it's unexplained infertility.  To me, that's worse than explained infertility.  I mean I'm grateful nothing is wrong with either one of us but at least then I could come to terms with the fact that we would not be able to get pregnant.  There would be a reason for it, or there would be something we could do to maybe fix the problem.  But instead we get to get our hopes up every month again and again hoping for that stupid pink line.  We've been down this road before and it was Hell.
I'll never forget the day I did get my positive pregnancy test.  I had taken Clomid for 3 months and I told Shannon I was 5 days late.  She told me to go get a test but I was terrified it would be negative, it wasn't.  Josh and I cried, we were so excited.  We were going to have a Winter baby, Feb 7, 2006 was the estimated due date, right in between our birthdays.  I caught myself holding my belly, even though I didn't have one but Josh said I did, he thinks we were having twins.  He'd ask me why I was holding it, and I'd tell him "cause our baby is in there" and then I would rub it.  Stupid.  I went shopping with Shannon a few weeks later and we bought little things you don't think of at first like a bottle scrubber and a drying rack, nipple cream, a Boppy with a boy and a girl cover and some other little things.  The next day I miscarried, like a cruel joke.  I was 7 weeks along and we never got to hear the first heart beat.  I felt like I had failed Josh and I still do.  I failed him and our unborn baby.  I stayed in bed for a week grieving the loss of our baby.  I still have a hard day on the due date, it's like a day of mourning for me.
We started Clomid again a little over a month after that and tried it for another 6 months and did 2 IUIs.  No luck.  Then we took a break.  I was a wreck, couldn't handle anymore disappointment.  The depression of it was just too much for me and I hated it.
Those things we bought have been packed away in a tote in our basement along with a lot of baby clothes and bottles that Shannon gave to us waiting for a baby to fill them.
All I want is to be a mother and to make Josh a father.  Because I know we would rock at it.

Corn Maze

We went to the Green Canyon corn maze Saturday night with Cody, Tara and Atty.  I thought it might be haunted and I'm not into being scared.  When ever we go into to a haunted house or something like that, I grab onto the back of Josh's jacket and bury my face in his back.  I do NOT like being scared.  I think it's from going to too many haunted houses with all my friends when we were in high school.  The one that was in the old Ogden mall was the scariest!  I remember being in the last room before the exit once and the guy had a chain saw.  Everyone else got out but I was stuck cowering on the floor while he held the chain saw above my head, I was so scared!  I know the chain wasn't actually on the chain saw and that they aren't supposed to touch you but it still scared me!  We did that to ourselves over and over for years!
Anyway, we get to the corn maze and Tara, being prepared, got some glow sticks out of her trunk.  We each got two.  We waited in line, hearing the screams coming from inside.  Yep, it was haunted!  It wasn't very cold, luckily.  We got inside and had lots of fun.  It wasn't too scary and we made it out in about and hour and a half.  There was a creepy couple who would just stand in one spot in the maze, they freaked me out.  The boys thought they were a couple in the maze, but Tara and I still think they were part of the maze scaring people.  Then we came out of one of the tunnels they have you walk through and there was a guy in a Scream mask in my peripheral vision, I turned my head the other way and kept walking.  Then Josh says "hey Kandice, there's a guy here who needs directions".  Nope, not gonna look at him, so he starts bumping up against me as I keep walking.  He finally left me alone, not funny.  I know, I'm a baby!
When we got out, we started playing with the glow sticks and I got some photos.

Then we got a picture in the Tarzan and Jane painting.

It was lots of fun and lots of laughs!